Ahhh… A topic I never thought I would ever talk about to anyone ever; The state of being “FALLEN”. The word means what it means… It is to lose. to fail. to suffer… I experienced this when I was in my third year of college. I graduated from a top private school in pampanga. A school where in everything is guided by a rule, which in turn, is guided by another. So when I started my college life in U.P. (University of the Philippines) which is a public university where in the only rule is your own, you would have guessed by now that it didn’t turn out well for me. I was like a crazy person released from the asylum prematurely. I got to do what I wanted. No one was bossing me around. It was a feeling that was suppressed for far too long.

Heaven Bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere long the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
But the cost was so much more than I could bear

Needless to say, peer pressure got the best of me, in every way. I started to slip and fail. Then, I found out in my third year of college, just one more year before I graduate, that I was dismissed (I flunked)… They didn’t even let me appeal… Talk about crushing a man’s spirit. OUCH!! Why the hell not?! I don’t know. I poured all out my guts and emotions just to be given a second chance (everybody deserves one right?), but to no avail. My spirit and future was crushed by the immense weight of my misery and failure, little did I know that sorrow was fast approaching, and loneliness wasn’t far behind.

We all begin out with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear

I had to deliver the heartbreaking news to everybody. First to my friends; I know they’ll understand, they didn’t help me much, well, how could they? They were busy with their thesis and school work. Luckily, I have those few friends that comforted me all the way. One down… Next to my siblings, their reactions were “expected”. They told me to tell mom and dad a.s.a.p. But I couldn’t, I didn’t have the strength to tell them yet. I told some of my cousins who were very comforting, advising me with what to do. One night, I couldn’t sleep. I was bothered by soooo many emotions and questions… What are you gonna now? Are you gonna go to a different school? Are you also gonna fail there? Why can’t you do anything right?! Are you gonna just go find a job? What will your parents say?! STOP!!! PLEASE!!!! I TRIED, I TRIED MY BEST! PLEASE!!! I’m…sorry…I’m…so…sorry…

The phone rang… My brother answered it. It was my dad. I knew I had to tell them now, I was going crazy…

“Hello, dad… I’m sorry… I’m sorry talaga… Nadismiss ako sa U.P.”

The words I heard after that… That’s when I knew I had fallen… Fallen deeper than ever… The anguish of a disappointed parent who has done everything for you, and still you let them down…. Still, you let them down…. They never asked anything of me, just to study hard and graduate. Still, I let them down...

God… I need a break… Just give me a minute…

Ok, I’m ready. My mom’s reaction was the same, only with tears. My mom is a fierce mother… I mean that in a good way. She protects us and always fights for us. Just like my dad, she will give us everything that we need just as long as we become better people. She’s the greatest mom there is. I mean it. She would batter me with harsh words and lectures just to get me going. It’s because she knows how the real world functions. She even tried to lift my spirits after I talked to her. She said, “Maybe this is God’s way of saying that you need to change, and change for the better.”

Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to these I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem away to be redeemed

A few days after the whole emotional explosion, I honestly didn’t know what to do with my life. I felt like I was a useless waste of space in the universe. I was nothing but a nuisance to my family. It was confirmed, I was the black sheep, and that’s an understatement. The friends I had in college, shrunk dramatically, those few remaining, I say to them, I owe my life to you guys (and I’m not being overly dramatic). You know who you are...

I wrote this post to explain the deep intense state of being fallen. All I wrote here is true. This is how I feel about it, nothing funny about it. I was given courage to write this by a song. A song that has brilliantly expressed my sentiments and how it feels to be, FALLEN…

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so…

Listen to the song and watch the video of Sarah Mclachlan’s Fallen


rex said...

jigs dear.. dont know what to say..

im actually slightly, uhm, disappointed, you told me about this months later..